i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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