Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
