the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
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Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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