you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
