Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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