Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
