I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
