My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
