Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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