Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
