The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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