He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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