i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
