i need an iv and a liver transplant
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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