picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
