After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This baby is an asshole
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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