i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
