see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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