Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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