We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
