Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
