i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
