I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
