I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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