oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
