party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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