3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
