What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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