My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
