You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
