I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
we're so committed to being not committed
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