FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
