It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
