your parents love me but you hate me
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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