Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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