Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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