If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
