why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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