my being single is dangerous.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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