I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
