Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
