dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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