i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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