you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
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