Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
