Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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