Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
