you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
