I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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