she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
