I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
