you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
