What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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