we have pet lesbian snakes
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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