i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
