my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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