But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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